It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
