I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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