i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
be right there i have to get my cape
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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