paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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