Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
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How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
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