I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
