When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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