So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
