My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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