flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
