I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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