Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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