why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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