New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
