I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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