like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
