hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
