If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Randomize
