I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
