i just had sex bonerless
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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