My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
should my penis look like a turkey
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
