I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
