You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
