How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
