my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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