I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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