i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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