I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
