everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
