I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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