Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
ttyl tear gas
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
