mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
