Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
