I want to have your abortion
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
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