apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
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he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
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Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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