Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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