Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
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don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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