this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
