I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
