trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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