cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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