do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
