i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
