OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
