All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
