It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
