We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
