That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
