is your mom at the bar?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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