Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
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