trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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