I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
