I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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