I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
My liver just broke up with me...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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