The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
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I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
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