there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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