I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
